No More Breadcrumbs

I Sit at the Queen's Table Now

Something is Happening

I am experiencing a kind of popping. A blooming. A threshold that I am being birthed through that I cannot undo.

The years I have spent in toleration, in accepting the low hanging fruit of what was given to me, the trying to be nice and fit in, the people-pleasing, the twisting and contorting of myself to fall within the attention of a man’s gaze, the giving away of my dignity and self-respect to be chosen by a group of women, the watering down of my clarity to not be seen as too much, of overriding my senses and intuition because I gave my center to other people knowing better than me.

When I look around on the internet these days, or I enter a training space, or I connect with other women, I experience so many of the women are in a waking up or empowerment process, involved with whatever tools or contexts that have a unique resonance to support their Soul’s becoming.

There is a literal tsunami of women around the world, across countries, classes, races, social media networks, who are stepping into their power. It is undeniable, it’s palpable.

I came to Bali, Indonesia about 5 weeks ago specifically to work with two Balinese High Priests, a married couple, who I experience as magical devotees to the work of the Divine Will being practiced through them. There is a kind of miracle frequency, a surrender, an inspiring level of Will and Commitment to be at this kind of service in the world, which is a big responsibility that I experience as something not to be taken lightly or for granted.

One of the priests said during our week-long immersion together that in the majority of their trainings they see women making up around 80% of the groups participants consistently. They spoke about the harmonic balance of the universe, how the scales are always seeking balance in their own natural rhythm to bring things back into order.

It is quite possible that in order to bring order that seismic cataclysms might be necessary with the level of pain, trash, and abuse Gaia has been suffering. The mass spontaneous awakenings orchestrated by forces bigger than the human mind can understand with the level of disconnection from spirit and one’s own inner compass given the manipulation and attention wars of big tech companies and big pharma’s addiction agendas. It also might mean a lot of women saying no to playing roles that they have been conditioned into to be quiet, full of self doubt, and owned by a patriarchal system that keeps them adaptivity-rich, and energy-poor.

Things may or may not need to change. You can argue whatever you want about that. But the reality is that things are changing. Look around. Open your eyes, ears, senses.

Are you still accepting breadcrumbs? Are you chronically unhappy, anxious, depressed, out of touch with what you really are and what you really want?

I am being birthed, through years of cutting my teeth on rewriting my life from the ground up. I used to be one of these chronically unhappy souls, anti-anxiety-and-anti-depression-pill-popping-hopefuls, talk-therapy-chasing circle-looping-couch-sitters, people-pleaser-extraordinaire, numbed-out-for-a-decade-pothead, living to make-money grow in my bank account for some future day to say I was a safe and accomplished rat-racer, envious follower of people actually living brightly and all out as their authentic selves, and a partially-incarnated woman deeply disconnected from her body and Soul.

Four years ago I let everything die, I surrendered to something greater than me that I did not fully understand at the time. All I knew was that life had to be more than breadcrumbs. This simply could not be all that there is to being a magical alive human on this earth than what I had always known. Something else was possible.

I now look at these last years with such awe and reverence for the courage that I have shown myself. How long I have walked in the dark and thrown myself into transformational fires again and again. The softening into my heart and my physicality and my essence and Being that has come from clearing away so much unconscious conditioning and emotional and energetic debris that was perfectly part of the curriculum that I signed up for for my becoming.

I do not regret a single thing in my life. When people have ever asked me if I have regrets it is such a clear no for me. Why? Because I was meant to live and have every single experience that I have had. Everything in life happens for my evolution. Everything. I am a victim of nothing. I am an empowered Queen who shows her power through the sheer grandness of her capacity to access her own Will and and Commitment to keep aligning that Will with that of the Divine, without knowing how it goes.

I recently went on a date with a man, something I am not often up to these days because I am becoming more and more precious about where I put my time, attention, and energy and I have most often been dissatisfied with my interactions with men in a romantic context.

I decided, without telling this man, to start off our exchange doing an experiment from the context of “Polarity Work”, which I have not studied much, but through different people and conversations has come into my field to check out. I tried out exploring what it would mean to come into a more surrendered, soft, receptive, requesting, “feminine” state, to see how that might inspire a man to meet me in a solid, initiatory, directive, reliable, active, “masculine” state. I put feminine and masculine in quotes now because I am in a research and I do not necessarily stand by these definitions, I am sharing the working context that I am currently investigating.

Back when I was younger I would say that I was regularly in this kind of “feminine” state as currently defined quite unconsciously. I would just go along with what was presented to me, be easy, not check in with myself, go over my boundaries (because I didn’t know what they were or how to hold them), enmesh with other people, and lose myself quite often.

Then in the last four years I have done a LOT of training through the context of Possibility Management (PM) and the Women of Earth movement in anger work, with getting my authority and agency back, collaborating with women by being on each other’s empowerment teams, and getting clear access to my real yes and real no. Through PM and other contexts and fields, from Dearmouring to Vipassana to Osteopathy to Balinese Priests to Sacred Plant medicines, I have gone through hundreds upon hundreds of healing, transformational, and activation processes to get my Soul back online and more consciously participating in my life.

I have cleaned up my inner world, integrated consciousness about what’s happening in there, gotten to know my various parts, made contact and built the muscle of my Will to hold space for myself, and learned how to navigate the unknown with grace. Of course, I still get triggered sometimes, of course I cry, and scream, and feel. Sometimes joy is even so painful, because it also cracks me open to new layers of myself, of existence, of experiencing how sweet life can be. Of course there is still pain, there will always be pain.

And, there is more consistent access to greater perspective as to what is happening at any moment. In many coaching and healing sessions I have held, a phrase has come to me because in that moment it is just so fitting. I say, “Let it pour through you like a waterfall. What ever the emotion, sensation, or story is, simply let it move and express through you. It is not personal. It is simply up for your healing now.”

In other words, I am not identifying with pain anymore, at least most of the time, or if I do, I have more resilient and quick access to come back to the greater perspective that:

Life is not happening to me, it is happening for me.

Cracking Open

I’ve looked outside of me for as long as I can remember, for examples of how to be in the world, for a roadmap, a recipe, a guide, that would make it all make sense. One of these things that I looked out at was women who I saw in their power. I wanted to be like them, though most of my innards would freak out and contract about the possibility of being a woman in her power because, what about the comfort and safety of self-doubt? What about competition and jealousy and being a target of the other woman? What about other people’s projections and expectations and shadows? IT IS NOT SAFE TO BE A WOMAN IN HER POWER. TO BE A QUEEN. I WILL BE KILLED.

I have done more than a handful of past life processes about being killed for being a woman in her power at this point and while there are many voices and energetic sensations that still linger and rear their heads on a regular basis, I have gained enough access it seems to have come to a tipping point.

The tipping point is marked by me writing this article. To be so bold, so arrogant, to say what I want, what I think, what I feel, what I see unapologetically without censoring myself in fear of the repercussions of what I might lose, is the tipping point.

I declare, with unwavering certainty:

I AM DONE WITH PLAYING SMALL.

I AM DONE WITH BEING ADAPTIVE.

I AM DONE WITH SHRINKING MYSELF IN THE PRESENCE OF OTHER WOMEN, OF MEN, OF SYSTEMS THAT I HAVE GIVEN MY POWER AWAY TO.

I RECLAIM MY POWER AGAIN AND AGAIN AS A HUMAN IN THIS EARTHLY REALM AND I PRAY EVERY DAY TO WITNESS AND BECOME AT THE ALTAR OF MY HEART AND SOUL’S WORK AS A DIRECT ASPECT OF THE DIVINE FOR MY SOUL’S EVOLUTION AND THUS THE EVOLUTION OF ALL SOULS.

LIFE IS MAGIC. RIGHT HERE AND NOW. I AM AND WE ARE SO BLESSED AS SOULS TO GET THE EXPERIENCES TO LEARN AND GROW AND LOVE IN THIS LIFETIME AND I HOLD A TORCH OF CELEBRATING THIS BEYOND-WORDS INCREDIBLY PRECIOUS GIFT CALLED LIFE.

I NO LONGER TRASH OR WASTE THIS PRECIOUS LIFE, WITH GRACE FOR THE PARTS OF MY HUMAN SELF THAT ARE STILL LEARNING AND STEPPING INTO GREATER CARE AND RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT HAS BEEN BESTOWED TO ME TO STEWARD.

Somehow I have gotten here in this writing today. I am glad and angry because I woke up burning to write these words and declarations and I am holding space for this fire inside to pour out into the world. Something I long for again and again without tiring of it.

And yet, there is more to unfold with you about this date I went on. So we scoot back over there…

What I have discovered about experimenting with polarity work so far is that the polarity as it exists between men and women right now is totally fucked.

Women for a quite a historical while have been unconsciously giving their centers away to men to get protection, feel special, get the approval they have always longed for from their dad, to be chosen, be powerful, to beat the men at their own game, and/or simply, to not get raped or killed.

Men have been quite brainwashed to dominate women because of the wild, untamed, cosmic power that they have held inside, and learned to treat women as trophies, prizes, punching bags, mothers, audiences, cum-dumpsters (yes, I said it), and property. I have spent a lot of time being angry at men, and now it’s becoming very uninteresting to me to be mad at men, because there are so many more important things that my Soul is called to do, like to hold space for women’s becoming, to hold space for my own soul’s evolution, to connect with the divine, to create until my eyes can’t stay open anymore, to be in contact with the current state of Gaia, to have the tender intimacy with other sensitive Beings, and have the occasional, most delightful meal complete with a luscious, chocolatey dessert.

I am scared for men because I see they really are stuck in the middle between being a war-slinging-sex-chasing-manipulative-power-over-brute or an emasculated-good-mama’s-boy-trying-to-be-like-a-woman-pushover-lost-jellyfish. It is not my job nor my interest to figure out what else is possible for men, and I am naming what I see for women, and any interested men, to check out for themselves the state of what is happening in reality, and not your fantasy worlds where you pretend what is happening is not happening.

I do not hate men, I am just in reality about men. Just as I do not hate women, I am in reality about women.

So when the other night in this date with this man, I discovered another layer about the current fact that I cannot really relax in a man’s spaceholding, because he is lost in his spaceholding. What I do is I hold space for myself, I say what I want, am clear about the pace I want, about the distance I want, about the touch I do or do not want. I use my own inner “masculine” energy to take care of myself around a man, because I do not experience that a man is in touch enough with this elusive “divine masculine” to actually hold space for the unfoldment of a surrendered and soft woman in his presence.

At some point I said to him that I am a Queen and I want to be treated like one.

He said, “Are you one?”

I reply, “I am a Queen-in-training. Don’t you want to be a King? I mean being picked up in an expensive car, wearing high heels, or being gifted a fancy bracelet — this is not what I mean when I say Queen.”

He said, “Well, that is kind of what it is to be a Queen.”

I realized I did not articulate out loud what it is to me to be a Queen, only what it is not, until the next morning when I woke up discovering this incompleteness in me about my interactions the night before.

I planned to write him what I meant when I said, “I am a Queen, and I want to be treated like one,” and now I am here writing this article. I will probably send it to him, complete with my Queen reflections later on.

Anger poured through me that morning and still now, in the form of confusion, and frustration, with some sadness mixed in with the anger, about how on Earth to interact as a Queen to invoke the King in a man, without doing the work for him, without emasculating, without abandoning myself. So many gymnastics to have what should be a simple and natural interaction. Such distortions, such distance from the sacred expressions of these energies and bodies. I feel sad about this being the state of things, and glad about my anger and Will directing me towards what else is possible.

I had told this man that night, that if he wanted to see me again, he could contact me, and that I was open to see him again.

I received his proposal yesterday to go an evening yoga class together close to where he is staying. I am in conflict with myself because I still want to experiment with the polarity of being surrendered and giving him space to step up and in as a King, but yet, I would be tolerating as a Queen that in fact I do not want to go to an evening yoga class, close to his place where there is a good chance he will invite me over to his house again at night the second time meeting after we are sweaty in tight clothes, and that I would need to pay to drive 25 minutes through gasoline emissions, noise and traffic to get to him, which is why I cannot wait to get entirely out of Ubud very soon! I’ve played the game before where a man uses his sexual energy, showers me in attention, and makes moves to get me in a place where I am in some kind of sexualized situation that I did not realize I was in and I just slide down the stream into whatever trap he has laid out for the people-pleasing little girl who did not know how to say no or take care of herself. Well, now I’ve gotten a little more clever than I was back then.

So what do I do? If I say clearly what I want and do not want, what I see, and I smell and sense, then he is emasculated, the polarity is killed as I step into my masculine, and yet, I would then not be radiating my Queen-ness, my presence, dignity, aliveness, self-respect, care, attention, devotion to life, to sacredness, in my, and all Beings.

Or, I surrender and accept the breadcrumbs so this man can become a King, and keep skirting around what I am trying to avoid politely.

With this interwoven set of reflections, I am realizing that there is nothing more important than to be a Queen amongst Queens in this day and age. There is nothing more important. A Queen is not a man-hater, a Queen has much broader perspective than that…

What is a Queen?

A Queen is a sacred Being. She is a precious soul who is in contact with the endless source of power that flows directly from God, the Divine, the Creator, right through her into the world without doubt or suppression. She is wild in the sense that she is unknown, even to herself, and cannot tame or ever fully know the Mystery within. She is expressed, she is ginormous, she is unshrinkable and unshakeable. She has done the Work, whether in this lifetime and/or others, by her own grit, to know her human self deeply and learned to play and listen to it like a master violinist. She is humbly arrogant in the face of God, in that she intelligently leverages the faculty of her ego to do her sacred work in the world and knows that her sacred work is not “hers”, it is a gift granted to be honored and stewarded that can be taken away at any moment. She is heart, and heart-led. She has perspective that goes beyond immediate gratification, that does indeed stem from a steadfast and gentle reverence for life. She has lived wisdom that she embodies and lets pour through her.

I am laughing and smiling to myself as I write this because I have seen many Queens that have “popped” before me and read words they have written that remind me of these and I have not understood. Some of those words have come from a show, of feigned Queendom, or simply from attempts to find their way to the embodiment of this Queen energy with what means they had access to at the time. And some of those deep, authentic words from the Souls of other Queens I have not had the space to let land in me because of my own deep self-hatred and repression of the Queen in me from my own Patriarchal constructs and fear of her bigness, her audacity, her self-assuredness and simultaneous surrender to and dance with forces much greater than her.

As I continue to walk the Path of unfolding my Being, my greatest and longest-term devotional work in this lifetime, I notice that I can only see and embrace outside of me that which I have seen and embraced that which is inside of me. Somehow I am coming closer to the Queen in me, almost like how Michelangelo carved “David” out of a block of Carrara marble. There was just a rectangle, with all these right angles and a common, ordinary form. And inside of that ordinary form was the unique shape of the David to be revealed. To chip through the layers to get from a block of stone to a beautiful, natural form. It took Michelangelo three years to carve David after multiple other artists had abandoned the task and the stone presented to them for this commission.

Giving up is easy. Breadcrumbs are easy. Accepting the bare minimum from yourself or anyone else or other circumstances in your life is easy.

Most things that are easy are not really worth it, in my findings. Sure, they are comforting, familiar, convenient, temporarily satisfactory. But I was not built for that, and in my guess most people were not built for that. They’ve just been covered up in stone so long they forgot the beauty of their own form.

Well, I am remembering, seeing, and experiencing the beauty of my own form, this Queen I am, and she is ready as she will ever be to step into the next chapter of feasting on, with, and in life!

If you’re still chasing or accepting breadcrumbs, or if you’re longing to feast, come and find me. I love working with women who are on their Path to the Queendom of living a Soul-led life. Maybe you are in the chronically unhappy phase as I was about 5 years ago and simply cannot go on living like this any longer, or maybe you’ve taken the leap and are hungry to level up to your next edge of honoring yourself and deepening your authentic alignment with your Being and creating from your Soul mission.

This is exactly what my Soulchitecture containers are for and if that calls to you, you can find out more here on my freshly updated website (woohoo!): jacquelineyorkoneill.com.

If what I wrote touches you in any which way, whatever form you come in, and you want to speak with me about it, follow your nudges and contact me!

To the men, good luck and godspeed, I wish you also Soul alignment and to step into a life-loving, harmonic, reverential, celebratory, co-creative Heaven on Earth with all the Queens who I see so lovingly and diligently working on birthing right now.

Love,

Queen Jacqueline